Sacrificial Fathers; Saintly Children

As fathers, It’s exceedingly easy to get anxious about what will become of our children. Our vocation demands no small task from us; to ensure that we become saints and that those in our family become saints. Sometimes, we can recollect pieces of our past and pray to God that our children don’t repeat the same mistakes we made. We may even think of the children in other families and pray that our children don’t become like them.

In all honesty, when I had my first son, this question didn’t concern me much. I was more concerned that he would be athletic, that he would be tough. I fantasized about teaching him things like lifting weights or teaching him to be a lock-down defensive back. I dreamed maybe one day he’d be in the NFL. You know, things that are of the utmost importance.

But as I grew in my relationship with God, I realized that my vocation as a father was crucial in my children’s spiritual journey. Most children project their relationships with their parents onto God. If they felt their parents were rigid or severe, they imagine God to be the same way. If children only experience love when they succeed, they then think they must earn God’s love.

In addition, I learned of the psychological damages I could inflict upon my children. Improper parenting could affect their relationships and how they would parent their children. The ripple effect of my example could echo throughout generations.

This realization was frightening. I had never truly understood how my poor decisions could impact my children that I loved so dearly. I wanted to change but how?

Don’t force what’s not there.

A common pitfall can be to attempt to white-knuckle our children’s sanctity. We can become attached to an idea of what makes a holy family. We imagine them all kneeling together by a candle-lit altar dressed in matching pajamas reciting the rosary while the children are still and piously participating.

We get the inspiration and ponder how great it would be to make family prayer a daily practice. When we try to put this prayer time into practice, it is far from what we envisioned. Trying to fit this family’s imaginary mold only causes distress as we quickly realize the vast distance between reality and what we imagine family prayer to be.

Much like a pornography user feeds off of fantasy, we too, can create unrealistic expectations of our spiritual lives. Our minds are experts at creating idealistic scenarios that are nearly impossible to achieve in reality. This causes us to become discouraged and can lead to giving up the practice in its entirety. The Devil thrives on propping us up with unachievable goals and then rubbing our faces in mud when we fall flat on the ground.

While I’m sure some such families have achieved a wonderful and peaceful prayer time, it’s important to realize that prayer grows organically. It can be a form of pride when we set unachievable goals for ourselves and then get angry that we fell short. Begin with something reasonable, like a decade of the rosary, or even an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be.

Be mindful of our motivations.

Our fallen nature almost ensures that our motivations will become cloudy at times. When the burdens of parenting are heavy, it’s easy to punish out of anger or annoyance, zone out on our devices, or become apathetic to what’s demanded of us.

There will be times when my children are running around playing and making noise. I’m on my last nerve and tell the kids to be quiet. The loud playing continues; I quickly respond with punishment. However, as a parent, I should know that punishment is a tool to correct disordered behavior, not to reprimand something we don’t like. If children are acting age appropriate and we don’t like that, it’s likely that we are the problem and not them.

By the grace of God, I became aware that I was habitually becoming very irritable during our children’s bedtime routine. If they caused any disturbance that would delay, I would become harsh and threatening. With the feeling of agitation remaining long after the kids were in bed, I began to consider why I was feeling so on edge.

When we experience agitation, it is 100% caused by something happening that we wished wasn’t happening. In my mind, the goal of bedtime was to get the kids sleeping so that I could begin my time. There is where I learned why I was getting so irritated when my children’s “childishness” delayed bedtime. It was because my time to do what I wished was being infringed upon. I was being selfish. I was denying the opportunity of having a joyful and loving bedtime with my children because spending time doing what I wanted to do was more important. I was denying God’s calling to be a loving and patient father.

I was rushing God’s vocation in order to get to what I decided was my own vocation at the moment. I perceived that in order to get closer to God, I have to rush my children to bed so that I can start my prayer time and begin spiritual reading or something of that nature. I overlooked that the primary means of closeness to God resided in caring for my children. God was calling me to be His tool to show my children His love for them through our own familial sacrament; bathtime.

View our daily tasks as vocation, not chores.

Our heavenly Father designed the nuclear family to be a fractal of the Sacrosanct Trinity. Consider that in the family, the object of the father’s love is the wife. As Woman was created from the side of Man, he sees himself in her. However, in human form, he sees what completes him (When God the Father beholds the Son, He beholds Himself perfectly, not that He makes up for what He is lacking). The man is overtaken with love for the woman and gives his love to her (his seed), the woman receives his love and gives her own love back to the man (her egg), and the two result in an entirely new entity that is the physical product of their love. This product of love is so powerful that it also possesses autonomy and becomes a third person.

Our seemingly mundane tasks have the potential to be nothing short of Divine. Each one presented before us gives us opportunities to allow Love to swell into our homes. Each act is an opportunity to show sacrificial love to God through service to our family.

As fathers, our role is taken a step further by assuming the position of priest. Does this mean that the father has the authority to be a spiritual dictator, demanding what he sees fit from his family? Of course, not. However, it does mean that he is to direct and lift up their love and worship to God. He is to offer his own prayer and sacrifice on behalf of his family as a bulwark against the enemy in the spiritual battle.

As Christ sacrificed Himself at every moment, pleaded for us before the Father and spilled His blood on behalf of children, so must we. This is the true priesthood.

Our vocation, is what leads us to God’s heart.

Considering that our vocations as husbands are to recreate trinitarian love in physical form and to imitate Christ’s priesthood, I’d say the stakes become relatively high; but the clarity that our vocations are God’s plan for us is reassuring. Being recollected on this fact can make the stressful times of parenting easier. Love reaches its highest and most pure form when it isn’t easy but when it hurts to love. When we recognize our little trifles as means to serve God and reach union with Him, we can excel in our journey towards the Divine.

After encountering the difficulty of this task, it can be easy to become discouraged and think, well, holiness isn’t for me. The path to holiness lies somewhere else. One might say, “I’d have to be a priest or a nun to really endeavor to become a saint.” There is an old saying that accurately sums up this mindset. The father thinks that if only he were a priest he’d be holy; the priest thinks that if only he were a monk then he’d be holy, and the monk thinks that if only he were a hermit then he would be holy.

The truth is that union with God lies in the present moment. It lies in doing the dishes with love or bearing our child’s tantrum with love rather than with anger and agitation. It can be after a long day of feeling defeated and reaching that moment where one lifts their mind to God; asking for the grace to do it all again tomorrow because they know this is God’s will for them.

In this, we will find our comfort. After much practice and perseverance (call me crazy), we will start to actually feel enjoyment in the vocational crosses because we will tangibly feel God’s indwelling that results from these many sacrificial offerings we give him throughout our day.

This is God’s love working in us because it’s impossible for a human alone to act this way. This type of love is contagious because it’s real love and it’s rarely found. People want to participate in this type of transformative love. Allowing God to shine his love through us is what our children need to grow in love with Him. Through this example, we remove the obstacles of our own sinfulness and imperfections that could prevent our children from reaching out to God.

So if we invest all of our energy into loving our children in a Christ-like manner, they definitely will become Saints, right?

God respects our free will and we must respect our children’s.

Free will is an essential part of love. Although we may really want to take it away to ensure our child’s safety, we just can’t. We have to trust in God and consider that, according to Him, it is better for us to have a choice to love Him and potentially hate Him than it is to have no choice at all.

Even though we may try as we might, we may set a perfect example; we may love sacrificially; our children still have to make their own choice to love God. Despite the incredible power of the father’s example, our children can still refuse to accept God’s love for them. However heartbreaking it may be, we must understand that we can only do what we can do, and that’s the way God wills it.

Parents with children who have chosen lives of rebellion can beat their chests, retaining so much guilt by thinking they must have done something to cause their child’s waywardness. While it’s impossible to be a perfect parent, we must be content with doing our best and trusting that God will do the rest. Even He has wayward children. Surely He isn’t the one to blame for them choosing lives of sin. After all, He created and spiritually fathered Satan, whom He gave all he needed for complete bliss, and whom still chose to viciously rebel against Him. God certainly knows our pains given to us by recalcitrant children.

The possibility of doing our best to raise our children and them still choosing a life of misery can cause great anxiety. Nevertheless, this should be no reason to waver because as we “seek first the kingdom” through our vocation, trusting in God is all that remains for us.

Change the world and the Church through raising holy children.

We can become distracted by ineffective means of trying to change the world and forget where the basis of a society begins; within the home. The power of shaping our society resides in the simplicity of our example and in the love that we offer to God in every act we do in service of our family.

This responsibility can’t be ignored. God is asking this of us and without words, so are our children. In pursuing this task, we respond to God’s call to be who He created us to be.

As men, we must put aside our selfish inclinations and pursue God’s gift. The gift of having a family that overflows with love and peace. The gift of having a home, that within its walls, God dwells.